If you want your child to grow up into a kind person and remember his childhood happily then never use physical abuse to discipline your child. This is why the parent’s attitude during the spanking leaves as great an impression as the swat itself. Although physical, or corporal, punishment is illegal in places such as Sweden, it is commonly practiced in America. She would notice him playing alone in the corner, not interested in playmates, and avoiding eye contact with her. It stung and made an impression upon me— physically and mentally. While Christians and Jews believe that the Old Testament is the inspired word of God, it is also a historical text that has been interpreted in many ways over the centuries, sometimes incorrectly in order to support the beliefs of the times. Research shows that harsh verbal discipline, which becomes more common as children get older, may lead to more behavior problems and symptoms of depression in teens. Your use of this site indicates your agreement to be bound by the Terms of Use. More than 1 out of 4 parents who had grown up in a violent home were violent enough to risk seriously injuring their child. She felt spanking was “for the child’s own good.” After several months of spank-controlled discipline, her toddler became withdrawn. Take a look at the following post to know some of the negative techniques that you should never try to discipline your child. The consequences influence future behavior. Negative Discipline Methods That Parents Must Avoid, Positive Discipline Techniques for Children, Sexual Performance Anxiety – Causes, Symptoms and How to Overcome It. My child now fears me, and I feel I’ve lost something precious.”. Physical hitting is not the only way to cross the line into abuse. All parents wish to inculcate and imbibe good habits and virtues in their children. This impulsive release of anger often becomes addicting—perpetuating a cycle of ineffective discipline. Lasting authority cannot be based on fear. In the Western world, parental corporal punishment generally takes the form of a spanking, such as a swat applied to the thighs or buttocks. Even in the most loving homes, spanking gives a confusing message, especially to a child too young to understand the reason for the whack. Hope this article will help you understand the practices that you should never follow to discipline your child. One of the reasons for the ineffectiveness of spanking in creating internal controls is that during and immediately after the spanking, the child is so preoccupied with the perceived injustice of the physical punishment (or maybe the degree of it he’s getting) that he “forgets” the reason for which he was spanked. 4:21: “Shall I come to you with the whip (rod), or in love and with a gentle spirit?” Paul went on to teach fathers about the importance of not provoking anger in their children (which is what spanking usually does): “Fathers, do not exasperate your children” (Eph. 23:13-14), “The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to itself disgraces his mother.” (Prov. While some children are forgivingly resilient and bounce back without a negative impression on mind or body, for others it’s hard to love the hand that hits them. Many times we have heard parents say, “The more we spank the more he misbehaves.” Spanking makes a child’s behavior worse, not better. A child who is hit feels wrong inside and this shows up in his behavior. If you want your child to grow up into a kind person and remember his childhood happily then never use physical abuse to discipline your child. Norwegians have unique names that sound mysterious and magical. Spanking had less damaging long-term effects if given in a loving home and nurturing environment. While the rod could be used for hitting, it was more frequently used for guiding wandering sheep. If you threaten your kid, he will be under the constant fear of consequences of his actions. Spanking guidelines usually give the warning to never spank in anger. 2. Other parts of the Bible, especially the New Testament, suggest that respect, authority, and tenderness should be the prevailing attitudes toward children among people of faith. A study to determine whether hand slapping had any long-term effects showed that toddlers who were punished with a light slap on the hand showed delayed exploratory development seven months later. The cycle continues. One of the goals of disciplinary action is to stop the misbehavior immediately, and spanking may do that. You also acknowledge that owing to the limited nature of communication possible on interactive elements on the site, any assistance, or response you receive is provided by the author alone. These “rod” verses have been burdened with interpretations about corporal punishment that support human ideas. Better to separate the child from the object or supervise his exploration and leave little hands unhurt. In the past fifty years in pediatric practice, we have observed thousands of families who have tried spanking and found it doesn’t work. Outwardly he was a “good boy.” Inwardly, Spencer thought he was a bad boy. Spanking sabotages this teaching. We want the child to know that he did wrong, and to feel remorse, but to still believe that he is a person who has value. He would come back to my room and spank me across the back of my thighs with the branch. On the contrary, your child may get scared and may even feel ashamed for his actions. The parent has fewer preplanned, experience-tested strategies to divert potential behavior, so the child misbehaves more, which calls for more spanking. That we will not spank our children. He or she also believes the older the child becomes the less he or she needs a spanking, and other forms of discipline take its place. College students showed more psychological disturbances if they grew up in a home with less praise, more scolding, more corporal punishment, and more verbal abuse. Are there characteristics in your child that make spanking unwise? In addition to consistency, parents struggle with whether or … The buttocks are the most popular target of corporal punishment, because they are protected by fatty tissue; generally, strikes to this area will not cause serious physical injury. An occasional swat on the bottom won’t bother him.” This rationalization holds true for some children, but other children remember spanking messages more than nurturing ones. Sentences like “if you do not do your homework then mommy will not talk to you” only teach the child that the love of a parent is conditional. Children learn that when you have a problem you solve it with a good swat. Punishment escalates. Psychologists studied a group of sixteen fourteen-month-olds playing with their mothers. After my wrongdoing, my grandfather would send me to my room. This may shake his self-respect and self-confidence. Furthermore, your child’s self-esteem may also be affected negatively. Grab your positive discipline set now. Spanking caused less aggression if it was done in an overall nurturing environment and the child was always given a rational explanation of why the spanking occurred. If punishment is to be used, make it mild and brief. Research supports this idea. Talk to him politely instead, tell him what he did wrong and help him correct it. The same discipline techniques you employ with your children are the ones they are most likely to carry on in their own parenting. What do you do now? Although I remember growing up in a loving home, I don’t remember specific happy scenes with nearly as much detail as I remember the spanking scenes. Your child is not a slave of yours to order him around. setTimeout("__gaTracker('send', 'event', 'Reading', '45 seconds')", 45000); © 2020 AskDrSears.com All Rights Reserved. Harsh verbal discipline, even by parents who are otherwise warm and loving, can lead to more misbehavior and mental health problems in children. There are parents who should not spank and children who should not be spanked. A 2016 analysis of multiple studies, for example, found that children do not benefit from spanking. Hitting devalues the parent-child relationship. In other words, it can have damaging effects on the growth and development of the child. Here’s why. We are committed to creating an attitude within our children, and an atmosphere within our home, that renders spanking unnecessary. Not only does the child lose respect for the parent, but the parents also lose out because they develop a spanking mindset and have fewer alternatives to spanking. Physical violence is never an option for anything. Spanking demonstrates that it’s all right for people to hit people, and especially for big people to hit little people, and stronger people to hit weaker people. The issue then becomes who’s stronger—your child’s will or your hand—not the problem of touching the vase. Since we have decided that spanking is not an option, we must seek out better alternatives. Our general impression is that parents spank less as their experience increases. It is a form of teaching often equated with control and punishment.The aspect of child discipline and whose responsibility it is has been a matter of concern and at the end of this article, you will learn who is to blame whenever a child becomes disrespectful or develops unacceptable developmental behaviors. The use of inappropriate words, curse words or slang should be avoided when you are with your child. Parents who are programmed to punish set themselves up for punishing harder, mainly because they have not learned alternatives and click immediately into the punishment mode when their child misbehaves. At some point in every parent’s life, disciplining children can be a struggle. P.S.If you want to discipline without shame, blame, and toxic negativity but don’t know how… I’ve got you covered. 10. If the answer to any of these queries is yes, you would be wise to develop a no-spanking mindset in your home and do your best to come up with noncorporal alternatives. Forcing your child to do something will instil fear in him and he may not come to you. 13:24), “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Posted Sep 19, 2014 Getting things done from your child by emotionally blackmailing him is not a good technique of parenting. I have always thought that one of our goals as parents is to fill our children’s memory bank with hundreds, perhaps thousands, of pleasant scenes. It’s important to make sure that whatever technique you choose for disciplining your child is something you can actually keep up with and follow through on. Studies of prison populations show that most violent criminals grew up in a violent home environment. Solution: Even if you have a stronger bond with one child or prefer their company and personality over the other children, try not to show that you have a favorite. Take time to appreciate each of your children for who they are as individuals, and spend one-on-one time with each child to improve your bond with all of them. Read also: 7 Invisible Effects of Abuse. Spanking seems to have the most negative long-term effects when it replaces positive communication with the child. Make sure your behavior is role-model material. As one mother who dropped spanking from her correction list put it, “I won the battle but lost the war. So, if you discipline your child and teach him what is right and wrong then your child will grow up to respect authority, rules, and the like. Physical punishment shows that it’s all right to vent your anger or right a wrong by hitting other people. My ‘Positive Discipline Set’ was created to support you on your journey of learning how to teach, correct and guide your child … A child whose behavior is controlled by spanking is likely to carry on this mode of interaction into other relationships with siblings and peers, and eventually a spouse and offspring. Physical abuse of any kind not only causes physical hurt and trauma to a child but it also affects the child emotionally. Spanking also devalues the role of a parent. Making a statement or saying hurtful words to make a child feel guilty for his actions may not be good for his self-worth. Laws Regarding Discipline Versus Abuse. It is imperative to teach the value of discipline to a growing child, but not at the cost of being harsh on him. “Rod” (shebet) means different things in different parts of the Bible. The family is a training camp for teaching children how to handle conflicts. Sitting down with him and talking after the spanking to be sure he’s aware of what he did can be done just as well (if not better) without the spanking part. The more physical punishment a child receives, the more aggressive he or she will become. 2. Since spanking is not an option, we have been forced to come up with better alternatives. They perceive that it’s okay for them to do whatever you do. Scolding your child can hurt her beyond comprehension. People are more likely to recall traumatic events than pleasant ones. All rights reserved. Discipline keeps you healthy. But, you say, “I don’t spank my child that often or that hard. After all, they were spanked by their parents. Discipline Children 101: How to Discipline Your Child. In a prospective study spanning nineteen years, researchers found that children who were raised in homes with a lot of corporal punishment, turned out to be more antisocial and egocentric, and that physical violence became the accepted norm for these children when they became teenagers and adults. Some of the methods that you must avoid to save your child from the negative effects of discipline include: You should not shout at your child because when you shout at your little one, he may not be able to understand what you want from him or what you intend him to do. This way you scare your kid. A survey of 679 college students showed that those who recall being spanked as children accepted spanking as a way of discipline and intended to spank their own children. In the New Testament, Christ modified the traditional eye-for-an-eye system of justice with His turn-the-other-cheek approach. At first glance, these verses may sound pro-spanking. When punishment humiliates children they either rebel or withdraw. It may not be a question of how by why your child needs proper discipline. The willow branch seemed to be an effective spanking tool. 3. You can have many great ideas, but if it’s not a good match for you to do them well, then you may need to look at simpler options. Asking your child to do a certain thing by threatening him is also a negative way of disciplining your child. It rings true in every instance. If you show your child respect -- even when disciplining your child -- your child is more likely to respect you, other family members, and other people in their life. The more he misbehaves, the more he gets spanked and the worse he feels. This is not just because kids don’t want to be disciplined. Through these 12 discipline techniques, you and your children can work together to see what works best for you. This article may contain affiliate links, you can read more about this on our disclosure page here. This Is What Happens When You Hit Your Kids Physically disciplining children has dramatic impact on both parent and child. Parents, remember, you are bringing up someone else’s mother or father, and wife, or husband. Disciplining children simply means imparting skill and knowledge on them. Students who were not spanked as children were significantly less accepting of the practice than those who were spanked. If you use any kind of physical aggression, it results in negative learning in the baby that is much worse than anything that happened to you when you were spanked as an older child. In 1946 Dr. Spock released the now famous parenting tome, Baby and Child Care, which opens with the line, “You know more than you think you do,” and reassured parents all over the country that disciplining a child wasn’t a matter of following the orders of the status quo. (“I’m leaving if you don’t behave.”) Often threats of abandonment are implied giving the child the message that you can’t stand being with her or a smack of emotional abandonment (by letting her know you are withdrawing your love, refusing to speak to her, or saying you don’t like her if she continues to displease you). 22:15), “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.” (Prov. These researchers found that for uninhibited children, self-esteem suffers and guilt and lack of empathy might result. 6. Sometimes, children will identify with the disciplinarian, but more commonly, they will start to dislike the disciplining parent. Posted May 06, 2014 Yes, you want him to respect elders and do as he is told, but there’s a way to get things done. When you re-read the “rod verses,” use the concept of parental authority when you come to the word “rod,” rather than the concept of beating or spanking. They feel that their personhood has been violated, and they detach themselves from a world they perceive has been unfair to them. We found ourselves spanking less and less as our experience and the number of children increased. The information on this website is of a general nature and available for educational purposes only and should not be construed as a substitute for advice from a medical professional or health care provider. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death.” (Prov. The child’s self-image begins with how he perceives that others – especially his parents – perceive him. “If I hug him, daddy will stop hitting me.” When spanking is repeated over and over, one message is driven home to the child, “You are weak and defenseless.”. However, when parents use various hurtful ways of disciplining their child, it fiddles with their psychological, emotional, and physical well-being of the child. The more children are spanked, the more likely they will be abusive toward their own children. Interesting 5-Minute Bedtime Stories for Kids, 5 Best Jackbox Games That You Can Play With Your Kiddo, 10 Best Educational Songs, Rhymes and Music for Kids to Memorize, Best Teacher Appreciation Quotes to Express Your Gratitude, Teething in Toddler – Symptoms & Remedies, 120 Most Popular and Unique Gender Neutral Names For Baby, 36 Good Habits – That Parents Must Teach Their Children, Top Fifty Five 8-letter Names for Boys and Girls, Obestetrician vs. Midwife – Who is Right for You. All children depend on their parents for emotional support and love. Whenever you scold or shout at your child in front of your family members, friends, or relatives, you insult your child in front of everyone. 2. Their children, in turn, often believed spanking was an appropriate disciplinary method. However, using wrong means like adopting negative ways of disciplining is not considered a healthy practice and may harm the child physically and emotionally. The danger of beginning corporal punishment in the first place is that you may feel you have to bring out bigger guns: your hand becomes a fist, the switch becomes a belt, the folded newspaper becomes a wooden spoon, and now what began as seemingly innocent escalates into child abuse. We have found that the best way to prevent ourselves from acting on the impulse to spank is to instill in ourselves two convictions: 1. Parents may also use slaps on the wrist or face to discipline a child. This way your kid may become resentful and may find himself engulfed in the vicious cycle of guilt. The negative effects of physical punishment may not become apparent for some time, Gershoff says. This brings up the main reason why some parents lean toward spanking—it’s easier. Sensitive parents we have interviewed all agree that the hands should be off-limits for physical punishment. One moment, they may get happy over a small thing, and the next moment, they may throw a tantrum for no reason. While spanking may appear to make the child afraid to repeat the misbehavior, it is more likely to make the child fear the spanker. Are there factors in your history, your temperament, or your relationship with your child that put you at risk for abusing your child? Dislike the disciplining parent spanking unwise it with a good technique of discipline that is sometimes necessary when child! Of parenting 19, 2014 know more about this on our disclosure page here of love respect... Children love to imitate, especially people whom they love and gentleness and... To turn out an obedient effects of not disciplining your child the growth and development of the hit, inside and shows! 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